Confused about love

What is love? I’ve always been confused about the word, ‘love’. I’ve also searched for the definition in the dictionary. Back on my time, (oh! I’m not that old to use this line, am I?) Let’s say few years ago, there used to be 1-2 definitions for a word, or 3-or-4 sometimes. But, as the time advances more and more definitions have been added to the name. What I’m trying to say is, the meaning of the word ‘Love’ is now more confusing than it was before. Few years back, ‘love’ means the affection or a positive emotion. I was not clear about the definition then, and now they added more definitions to the word, it says enjoyment, pleasure and sexual intercourse; seriously?! Sex? I thought people named ‘sex’ as ‘love’ just to convince their kids that ‘sex’ is not an appropriate word to elucidate to their age. Anyways, I’m not here to explain the many definition of the word ‘love’, I’m here to feel the love (am I exaggerating the stuffs? I hope not.) 

I’m a kind of guy who is always confused, not too much confused, just a little bit, I do not know the measurement for confusion. I’m a little confused about these stuffs. Okay jokes apart. I’m a curious kind of guy, (don’t be confused here) because I’m already ‘confused’. Okay, I’m a curious-confused guy. Well that makes me a human being. Every person on the Earth is confused and curious, most of the times; if not, I can call them the enlighten one. How I am not an enlighten one, let’s see.

I’ve done my school, done with the college, worked for a company, left job and I’m sitting here writing about the ‘love’. The topic I’ve ignored years ago because I couldn’t find a solution to it and I have a lot of other things to do then. Since, I’ve no other things to do now, I’m dragged back to the ‘love’ thing again. I always wanted to define the love on my own word and knowledge. Hence I went back in my memories starting from my childhood till the day to find if I’ve ever felt the love as defined in the dictionary. Guess what! I actually did. I felt this ‘love’ thing 7-8 times in my 25 years of life. (No! I’m not a playboy.) So, there were 7-8 girls that I had positive emotion or I was attracted to. This summary of my life history made me more confusing, because I’ve read many books, articles and watched movies that defines love happens only once in your life. Then, I categorized my life history as an ‘Infatuation’ which means ‘temporary love’, according to dictionary of-course.

Among that 7-8 girls, I still think of a girl. The bitch dumped me for some white guy 4-5 years ago. (Sorry to use such word) But I still liked that bitch. There’s not a day since she flipped that I hadn’t thought of her. I always had a little conversation in my mind with her. I still wish her goodnight before I go to bed. I think of her when I put my cellphone back on my pocket (once she bet that I always put my cell phone on my left pocket), I take my phone out from left pocket and put on the right pocket. I still listen to her favorite songs. I keep that one song on my iPod that I had dedicated to her when we were together. Whenever I’m alone, she came and sit by my side, I tell her my happy moments and share my sad moments. I tell her what happened the other day, and she patiently listen to me. She smiles. I liked her smile.

“I’m a big guy, I should move on” I always expect I would do and failed every time. I nearly had my face slapped in public recently. I saw her after so many years, I didn’t know that she returned home. I saw her in a bus, she didn’t saw me though. I keep looking at her all the time until I get on my bus stop. I couldn’t say a word to her and the bus moved on. I saw her again the other day, this time I sit next to her. I was hoping she would notice me. I looked at her all the time. She turned to me; oh lord! She’s not my girl! That girl give me look that I would never forget, she must be saying ‘pervert’ to me. I was so embarrassed I couldn’t look at her, again. I vowed to myself that I would never glare at any girl, not even to my girl.

She and I were in a same college. Those days, I was not regular in my class and nobody cares. I didn’t even know that there is this girl in my class. She was not the hot property of the class, she was an average girl; 5’5”, fair skin, and a sweet voice. One day we introduce each other, we exchanged our number. (Damn! I still remember her number.) Few days later she called me, no big deal just ‘hi’ and ‘hello’ stuffs. Later on we text and chat late night. While on chat, one day, she told me that she had a boyfriend. I was not surprised, I was like “OK! And…” Few days later she told me she wanted to break-up with her boyfriend. I was now surprised. I wanted to talk about what happen with her relationship but, she do not want to talk. She became one of my best friend. We keep talking and laughing. One day she called me and tell me that she broke up with her boyfriend. I was like “What!?”

Since then she do not talk to me often. When I call I feel like I was talking to a stranger. I thought she need some time. The time has not stopped since then. She hardly replied me. Few years later I heard she married a white guy. “Are you kidding me?! What’s wrong with fair people like us? I was not dead by-the-way.”

One thing that struck my mind since then, “She did not say a word as she walks away. Why?” I was not her boyfriend. I’ve not even thought we would be together forever. All these years since she’s left, I always feel like this is the ‘love’, soon after, I think this is not ‘love’. I wanted her, just to know why she left without a reason. If she left with a sensible purpose, I would never had thought about her.

They said we have feelings in our heart and we think reasonably from our mind. In other words, we handle emotions through heart and everything else over mind. In my case, my heart says “I love this girl” and my mind says “It’s just an illusion, you will not think of her if she walks out with a reason.” The mind always have a reason, whereas our heart do not need a reason.

I do not know what I would tell her when I met her, I wish I would never meet her. I wanted to stay confused about love. I spend about six months with her, the memories will be cherished in my confused heart.

p.s. The character here are purely fictional, please do not compare them with me and do not start guessing those 7-8 girls. :D